First Love Never Dies

I watch almost all dance shows on TV. They fill the hole in my heart caused by extreme longing to go back to the dance floor.  Dancing is my first love, my happy place.

My mother said I was four-month old when a band passed by our house and I moved my head to the beat of the music. The first picture I had dancing was when I was four years old. I started performing in almost all school programs when I was in Grade 3. I started competing when I was in highschool. I experienced dancing on different stages, including Aliw Theater and CCP. I stopped dancing when I was in highschool too. I had too much on my plate. The hiatus I thought I was giving then to dancing turned out to be its conclusion.

Second Year College, I attempted to go back. I passed UP Streetdance Club prestigious audition for membership. I attended the first day of training, I did not return for the second. I had a lot of excuses. I did not have a valid reason however. I remember having a hard time deciding if I was going to quit or not. My final decision was made when I saw one vandalism in the ladies room in UP saying, "Things worth quitting are not worth fighting for". That day, this made sense to me. Today, it's just plain fallacious. Maybe somehow it still makes sense but not as potent as before.

I still have the groove, it's innate. It's the crowd I miss, and the competition, and the co-dancers who share the same passion and, most of all, the sensation of dancing on stage. On stage, I feel beautiful, admired, strong, and infallible. I feel that people who I acquainted with after my heyday of dancing will never really know me. Most of the swag I got going from time to time actually came from my experiences in hip-hop competitions.

Today, I wish I did not quit. There are a lot of things I regret in my life, but nothing as haunting as this. If I think of the word "regret", I think of this. They say someday in our deathbed - if we get the chance - we will think of the things we did not do rather than those we did.

Damage done. I still have the talent, but after 6 years of stopping, I no longer have the skills. I always think of going back, but I guess I won't be able to anymore. I have to accept the fact that there are some things I must give up because I don't have the luxury of time. Most of all, the time of dance competition has passed. 20-something people always feel old because there are things we are old enough to do. I guess this is one of mine.